What Is A Healthy Relationship?

I'm no relationship expert, but I do have a degree in Psychology and my dissertation was on love and relationships. I've been in a number of long term relationships, with very different people. I'm one of those people that constantly evaluates myself, my life and my relationships - that's the psychologist in me, I have to have an answer and explanation to everything. Over the course of my life, I have learnt a lot about what a relationship needs in order to work and what ruins relationships.
The following is based on my opinions and experiences, if your relationship works differently to this and you are completely happy, then feel free to ignore my opinion!

Mutual Respect
Respect is so important in a relationship and is a wide 'umbrella' term that covers so many different contexts. It includes respecting your partner's wishes when it comes to sex or intimacy - if they say they don't like something, it is important that you respect that decision and don't make them feel bad about it or pressure them into doing it. Also, when it comes to talking to people of the opposite sex - exes, people you used to sleep with or even just people who could damage the relationship. It comes down to respect. Flirting with other people or having sexual conversations with people outside the relationship and behind your partners back shows a huge lack of respect for your partner and the relationship. Mutual respect also covers smaller issues in a relationship, such as how much you expect your partner to do in the house (if you live together). Expecting your partner to do all of the housework, cooking, cleaning, looking after the children, is not respecting your partner as an equal being to yourself. Obviously, it is different for every couple and some people in relationships work less than their partner or don't work at all, so you may feel that they should be doing all of the housework, however, if this is the case, that person should still be made to feel respected and appreciated.

Communication
This sounds so cliche, but I honestly think that communication is the most important aspect of a relationship. Both people in the relationship need to be able to voice their issues, concerns and opinions freely and openly. If one person has an issue in the relationship, it needs to be calmly and openly talked about to come to solutions, compromises or sometimes just to put the person's mind at ease. If this isn't possible, the concern will build up and will contribute to a much bigger issue and it will eat away at the person. This will usually happen in either the form of an eruption (which doesn't tend to help the situation), cause the person to walk away from the relationship or cause resentment. If for example, you feel as though your partner is not wanting sex like they used to, it is completely normal for you to jump to conclusions - maybe they are cheating, maybe they don't find me attractive anymore, maybe they want to leave me. Often, all it would take is for the person to simply ask their partner, in a way that is not confrontational - explain how you are feeling and ask them any questions you feel you need to know and try to come up with a compromise or solution to the issue. Maybe they are stressed out at work and just don't feel like it at the current time, maybe they want to do something more spontaneous, but you won't know until you speak to them.

Trust
Trust is one of the biggest issues a lot of people face in relationships. It's the cause of so many arguments and breakdowns in relationships and once broken, it's very hard to get back. A relationship needs to be open and honest on both sides. Some people think that it's okay to say little white lies in relationships, but sometimes those can be just as bad as the big lies, because if they get caught out, the partner will wonder what else they have been lying about and it damages the trust. And this isn't just in regards to cheating, it could be to do with finances, their past, what they are doing in their free time etc. In my opinion, a solid partnership should be one where you can tell your partner anything and everything and there should be no secrets - the only time this is okay is if it's for a surprise (e.g. a birthday or Christmas gift) that your partner will find out about eventually! My biggest piece of advice here, is to think very carefully before you answer a question to your partner or tell your partner something. Some people have a natural instinct to lie to protect themselves or their partner, but if you stop to think about the implications that might have on the relationship, it may help you to tell the truth in every situation and this will help tremendously with trust in the relationship.

Affection
Remember at the start of a relationship, where you have become close and you don't want to keep your hands off each other? You don't see them every minute of the day, so you have to make the most of the time you have together. In my previous two relationships, this lasted until they did something to break my trust and then my walls went up. Equally, by living with someone and seeing them everyday, the desire to be affectionate often seems to fade. From my experience, when you start resenting the person you are with because they've broken your trust and the affection fades, it is very difficult to go back to and the relationship dynamic changes. In order for a relationship to work, the two people in the relationship need to feel loved and looked after. That's where little pieces of affection are so important. Making sure you maintain some form of physical contact when doing the small things, like watching tv or out shopping. If a guy puts his arm around you in public, for example, it makes you feel like they are proud to be with you, that they are not afraid to show affection (however small) in public, that they want to be connected to you even when you are doing something out the house. That said, you have to do the same for your man. Men need to feel wanted and desired too, most men like the small pieces of affection as much as you do.

Sex
I am well aware that this is a controversial opinion and not every situation is the same, but bare with me here. I am strongly of the opinion that all men and women have needs when it comes to sex. Some people have higher sex drives than others, but due to hormones, men tend to have a higher sex drive than women. When a relationship first starts, you tend to have sex all the time, usually putting in a lot of effort to impress each other, keeping everyone happy and satisfied. Over time, a lot of people give up making an effort, due to stress, tiredness, whatever. I get that situations change, especially when children are involved, but for example, if a woman refuses to have sex with their husband and there is a communication break down, they will likely go elsewhere. Not necessarily just for sex, but for reassurance that they are still attractive to someone, for reassurance that someone cares about them and will give them the attention they need and for an ego boost. Sex is important for intimacy, for feeling connected to your partner, for self esteem - in feeling wanted and desired, for stress relief etc. So many women say they don't know why their partner cheats, sometimes it is nothing to do with you and blame should never be placed on anyone other than the cheater, but it usually means something else is going on in their mind, life or relationship and sometimes it could have been avoided with open communication and compromise when it comes to sex and intimacy.

No Power Fights
So, because of a relationship I was in when I was 16/17, where I completely idolised the man I was with and was under the impression that he was the best looking guy in the world and I was so lucky to be with him. Long story short, he cheated on me numerous times in our relationship and I kept taking him back, with him breaking my heart a bit more each time. From then onwards, I decided to go for guys who I believed I was better looking than (without meaning to sound arrogant), under the belief that, if they felt like they were lucky to have me, they wouldn't cheat. I used to play games with men, knowing that it would give me more power. If I found out they had done something wrong, I could use that to have the upper hand in the relationship, even though I was far from perfect. However, all that did was give me the power in the relationship. I knew I could do whatever I wanted, say whatever I wanted and be a terrible wife / girlfriend but it was okay, because they would never leave me. In my opinion, a relationship where there is a power struggle is an unhealthy relationship. I think there has to be equal power and no game playing, even if someone does have the upper hand in the relationship, it shouldn't be used against the other person.

History
Relationships in modern day society have come a long way from the relationships our grandparents were in. The development of technology makes it very easy for exes to pop up, for us to online 'stalk' our exes etc. You may think there is nothing wrong with that, but if you are going to make a relationship work, certain things and certain people should be left in the past. Furthermore, if your partner has a history that you don't like, for example, they used to take drugs - if you want a future with that person, you have to accept their past for everything it is and trust that their past does not determine their future. If a person in the relationship has a child from a previous relationship, you have to make a decision as soon as you find that out, whether you can accept the fact your partner has a child or whether it is a deal breaker in the relationship. The fact that they have a child will not change or go away, they will always be a parent and it's likely that the child will always be a priority. You always have a choice in a relationship and if you have chosen to accept their history and take them for as they are now, you cannot use it against them, no matter how tempting it may be sometimes.

I know this is a lengthy blog post, and it probably does not cover all aspects of a healthy relationship, but to summarise my points - a healthy relationship is one where there is always mutual respect, trust, affection, a healthy sex life, an equal partnership where there is no fight for power and where everyone's past is accepted and treated as the past. Most importantly, honest and open communication is essential to a healthy relationship.

If you find yourself in a relationship where you are being controlled, treated as an inferior person by your partner, where there is no trust and you do not feel valued as a person, this may be the time to think about walking away. Trust me, there are good men and women out there and they will come into your life at the right time.

Sarah (aka. Pale Princess) x


*If you feel like you need to talk about any issues in your relationship or life, I would highly recommend checking out the website '7 Cups' - this is a free online counselling website where you can talk to people confidentially and freely and get advice or just a compassionate listener*